i guess everything has to have a beginning.
its six am on a saturday and ive already gone from sober to drunk and back to sober. i have a terrible habit of missing that window where normal drunks pass out and end up awake watching more terrible than normal television. so i figure maybe if i spend that time writing instead of watching shows about shitty people and their shitty relationships, i wont feel so worthless before i go to sleep. and maybe if i dont feel so worthless before i go to sleep, i wont feel as worthless when i wake up from sleeping. just a theory...
the day after christmas was the first time i can remember being in a plane and not hoping it crashed. i dont know if its because my sister was on the flight or what, but it was nice to land and be ok with it. for as long as i can remember ive hoped for death. in no way am i suicidal, but through the years ive constantly hoped that my life would be ended due to someone elses actions. i dont know if its because i dont want my family and friends to go through the experience of losing someone to suicide or if its because im a pussy. either way its kept me here long enough to meet good people, do some cool things, and forget about dying every now and then.
i have to pick up my dad from the airport in three hours, so im going to attempt to get some rest. unless television mysteriously starts to get more interesting at six in the morning, ill be back here trying to cure my worthlessness in the near future.
3 comments:
Adam darling,
I dont even know what to say about this. Since we have had many talks about this, it just makes me happy that while you were on the plane you didnt want to die.
Even though we dont see each other often, I would be devastated if you were no longer in my life. You are the kind of friend who is more like my family and it would feel like a part of me was missing.
Love you dude.
you are not alone, my friend.
although i don't share the same fascination/obsession, it has crossed my mind a few times and i know more than a few folks that would be right at home with you in the wreckage.
strange world.
death is such a hard thing to talk about with most people, because its hard to discuss logically without it becoming an emotional issue. plus the line between seeking or inviting death and simply being unafraid of it isnt that wide.
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