Monday, May 12, 2008
genesis
Thursday, March 13, 2008
bullet
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
will you smile again
so i got a job. as an assistant producer at sony. it makes the 6 years ive been in test feel like they were worth something. i had committed myself to my current job being the last in the video game industry as a tester. and as soon as i made plans to move to atlanta and steer my path in another direction, this job appears out of motherfuckin left field. so, next week, i start my first job worth giving a shit about in my first 26 and 11/12 years on planet rock.
the reason behind moving to atlanta isnt my proudest. i couldnt cope with the idea of continuing to be the least successful person in my group of friends. it wasnt a money thing, it was a cycle of shit jobs with no prospect for any sort of future. it was my apathy towards life that allowed me to get where i was(nowhere) and that apathy was my safety net of rationalizing failure. if i dont give a shit about life, then why would i give a shit about my terrible job that im embarrassed to be at daily. yeah, so fuck that. apathy will always have a presence in my life, but its time to stop using it as a crutch to explain a bullshit worthless existence. im nervous about this job, just because im afraid of fucking it up. pretty standard insecurity bullshit, that im sure will be erased immediately upon starting work. the big thing for me is being able to feel like im a real part of something ive felt stuck on the outside of.
Monday, March 10, 2008
in the morning
Monday, February 11, 2008
ok. this is the pops
Monday, January 21, 2008
ill see you on the dark side of the moon
and by dark side of the moon i mean not at coachella. the sickness in my gut is finally subsiding after reading the lineup for this year. i cant remember the last time i was this disappointed. jack fucking johnson. jack fucking johnson. i still cant believe that worthless piece of shit is headlining. coachella is the one thing i look forward to all year. from the moment the last day is over i start thinking about the lineup for the next year. its the only legitimate vacation i ever take and its become a tradition for me and my sister. when i showed her the lineup today the text i got in response was "... i kind of want to cry." that pretty much sums it up for me. today for me, was like waking up on christmas morning and running down stairs to open presents to find your mom fucking your dad with a strapon. with the curious george soundtrack on in the background. hopefully this will serve as inspiration to go to a different festival in some other part of the country/world this year, but its real fucking hard to shake this disappointment. if they drop the price to match the quality of music i might go, but not for anything remotely close to two hundred dollars. as my friend paul pointed out, at least i live in LA where i can see all the bands i want and in more intimate venues. theres a lot of truth to that, but i still feel like someone ran over my puppy. with the curious george soundtrack blaring from their car. im hoping that after a couple of days ill reach a level of acceptance and find myself excited about some of the bands and maybe my mood and feeling will change, but until then im just going to eat mexican food and drink until i black out.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
have you passed through this night
if i could get paid to listen to explosions in the sky all day id be the happiest fuck on the planet. today is the first day i can remember that ive gone completely sober. its not terrible, but im wide fucking awake at 6 am.
ive basically stopped living at my apartment. im at my sisters/daves/erics/bobs/justins/kaseys house always. everyone there has a different schedule so im never alone unless by choice. the major reason is that i hate my roommates dogs. they are shitty little rat pig fuck animals that would serve better as tack hammer test benches. every day i am home i fight the urge to smash their heads together and throw them in traffic. i sincerely wake up every morning hoping to find them with a bloody death lock around each others necks. the fucked thing is i love animals, i always had dogs, cats, birds, even fucking fish when i was growing up. this is the first time ive had a constant, passionate hatred for any dog and its compounded by the fact that there are two of these evil, pitiful shitfucks. if you believe in god, i dare you to live with these things for a week and see if your faith remains strong. not that there are more than two people (max) reading this, but if you have any thoughts about buying a pug, just kill yourself.
so back to the whole being sober for a day thing. it just sort of happened i didnt turn a new leaf or anything like that. but of course the second i write it down and think about it, i want a beer. the truth is im tired of being fucked up, the other truth is i get tired of how bright everything looks sober. thankfully i dont need to get shit-canned to dim the lights, usually a beer or a vicodin will do the trick. so i guess the bright spot is that it isnt too expensive. i remember in the not too distant past when it took 6 pills of x, a half ounce of weed, a twenty pack, and an eight ball to create a successful saturday night. so well see how long this ride on the sobriety train lasts before derailment.
i was watching 28 days later today with my sister and i realized that we have nearly identical tastes. every time i noticed a shot or scene that i thought was done really well or a piece of music would come in and have a huge affect on me, she would comment in the exact way i was feeling. after the movie was over it was a really strange feeling to know that i had just watched a movie with four other people, but me and my sister had seen and noticed the exact same things and had the same experience. sort of mind blowing the more i think about it.