divine comedy

genesis

2008-05-12T15:28:00.001-07:00

one of those days and one of those lives i suppose. work is great, life is great for the most part. but theres always got to be something. for me its her. it doesnt really matter who the her is. because random her could be placed in this specific hers spot. it gets frustrating having solutions to problems that are bound to never be fixed. maybe the bigger issue is they all seemed to need fixing or maybe thats my issue and i should stop worrying about what needs fixing. or maybe i keep subconsciously shopping at the used car lot.

bullet

2008-03-13T22:07:00.000-07:00

president's bullet-ridden body in the street

ride johnny ride

kennedy's shattered head hits concrete

ride johnny ride

johnny's wife is floundering

johnny's wife is scared

run jackie run

texas is an outrage when your husband is dead

texas is an outrage when they pick up his head

texas is the reason that the presidents dead

you gotta suck, suck, jackie suck

president's bullet-ridden body in the street

ride johnny ride

kennedy's shattered head hits concrete

ride johnny ride

texas is an outrage when your husband is dead

texas is an outrage when they pick up his head

texas is the reason that the presidents dead

you gotta suck, suck, jackie suck

arise jackie o, jonathan f kennedy

well, arise and be shot down

the dirts going to be your dessert

my cum be your life source

and the only way to get it

is to suck or fuck

or be poor and devoid

and masturbate me, masturbate me

then slurp it from your palm

like a dry desert, soaking up rain

soaking up sun

like a dry desert, soaking up rain

soaking up sun.

will you smile again

2008-03-11T01:01:00.000-07:00

so i got a job. as an assistant producer at sony. it makes the 6 years ive been in test feel like they were worth something. i had committed myself to my current job being the last in the video game industry as a tester. and as soon as i made plans to move to atlanta and steer my path in another direction, this job appears out of motherfuckin left field. so, next week, i start my first job worth giving a shit about in my first 26 and 11/12 years on planet rock.

the reason behind moving to atlanta isnt my proudest. i couldnt cope with the idea of continuing to be the least successful person in my group of friends. it wasnt a money thing, it was a cycle of shit jobs with no prospect for any sort of future. it was my apathy towards life that allowed me to get where i was(nowhere) and that apathy was my safety net of rationalizing failure. if i dont give a shit about life, then why would i give a shit about my terrible job that im embarrassed to be at daily. yeah, so fuck that. apathy will always have a presence in my life, but its time to stop using it as a crutch to explain a bullshit worthless existence. im nervous about this job, just because im afraid of fucking it up. pretty standard insecurity bullshit, that im sure will be erased immediately upon starting work. the big thing for me is being able to feel like im a real part of something ive felt stuck on the outside of.

in the morning

2008-03-10T00:15:00.000-07:00

how much longer can i hope to save her from herself? big news is coming this week, its yet to be seen if its good or bad, but regardless, changes are coming. there has to be some rule against using three commas that close together in a sentence. if i get the job i interviewed for last week, ill be staying in la and hopefully having a new drive to live here. if i dont get it, im moving to atlanta by the end of the year. i think thats all i got today.

ok. this is the pops

2008-02-11T01:18:00.000-08:00

so i got a new computer. my new mac book pro is pretty much the best thing to ever happen to me. its my first mac and i cant imagine going back. started a new job. its awful. im working on a shitty game, for shitty pay, and its a shitty drive. i got a job offer to work on a better game, with a less shitty drive, for the same shitty pay and turned it down. because i realized that im ok with working on my first shitty game. lowered expectations for the game means lower expectations of me as an employee. the game should be done around may, at which point i plan on getting my shit wrapped up and heading to atlanta. to live. i plan on moving in with a friend and experiencing something different. by different, i mean less like a failure content to survive week to week. i love this city, but ive had enough of this city. my idea for the next two years is to move to atlanta and get my head together. and then in two years when one of my best friends graduates in arkansas, move back to la. im still working on all of the details inbetween getting my head together and moving back. i hope to be out of here by august or september. alright im done, its almost 2am and i have to be at my shit job at 9am tomorrow.

ill see you on the dark side of the moon

2008-01-21T16:55:00.000-08:00

and by dark side of the moon i mean not at coachella. the sickness in my gut is finally subsiding after reading the lineup for this year. i cant remember the last time i was this disappointed. jack fucking johnson. jack fucking johnson. i still cant believe that worthless piece of shit is headlining. coachella is the one thing i look forward to all year. from the moment the last day is over i start thinking about the lineup for the next year. its the only legitimate vacation i ever take and its become a tradition for me and my sister. when i showed her the lineup today the text i got in response was "... i kind of want to cry." that pretty much sums it up for me. today for me, was like waking up on christmas morning and running down stairs to open presents to find your mom fucking your dad with a strapon. with the curious george soundtrack on in the background. hopefully this will serve as inspiration to go to a different festival in some other part of the country/world this year, but its real fucking hard to shake this disappointment. if they drop the price to match the quality of music i might go, but not for anything remotely close to two hundred dollars. as my friend paul pointed out, at least i live in LA where i can see all the bands i want and in more intimate venues. theres a lot of truth to that, but i still feel like someone ran over my puppy. with the curious george soundtrack blaring from their car. im hoping that after a couple of days ill reach a level of acceptance and find myself excited about some of the bands and maybe my mood and feeling will change, but until then im just going to eat mexican food and drink until i black out.

have you passed through this night

2008-01-08T07:29:00.000-08:00

if i could get paid to listen to explosions in the sky all day id be the happiest fuck on the planet. today is the first day i can remember that ive gone completely sober. its not terrible, but im wide fucking awake at 6 am.

ive basically stopped living at my apartment. im at my sisters/daves/erics/bobs/justins/kaseys house always. everyone there has a different schedule so im never alone unless by choice. the major reason is that i hate my roommates dogs. they are shitty little rat pig fuck animals that would serve better as tack hammer test benches. every day i am home i fight the urge to smash their heads together and throw them in traffic. i sincerely wake up every morning hoping to find them with a bloody death lock around each others necks. the fucked thing is i love animals, i always had dogs, cats, birds, even fucking fish when i was growing up. this is the first time ive had a constant, passionate hatred for any dog and its compounded by the fact that there are two of these evil, pitiful shitfucks. if you believe in god, i dare you to live with these things for a week and see if your faith remains strong. not that there are more than two people (max) reading this, but if you have any thoughts about buying a pug, just kill yourself.

so back to the whole being sober for a day thing. it just sort of happened i didnt turn a new leaf or anything like that. but of course the second i write it down and think about it, i want a beer. the truth is im tired of being fucked up, the other truth is i get tired of how bright everything looks sober. thankfully i dont need to get shit-canned to dim the lights, usually a beer or a vicodin will do the trick. so i guess the bright spot is that it isnt too expensive. i remember in the not too distant past when it took 6 pills of x, a half ounce of weed, a twenty pack, and an eight ball to create a successful saturday night. so well see how long this ride on the sobriety train lasts before derailment.

i was watching 28 days later today with my sister and i realized that we have nearly identical tastes. every time i noticed a shot or scene that i thought was done really well or a piece of music would come in and have a huge affect on me, she would comment in the exact way i was feeling. after the movie was over it was a really strange feeling to know that i had just watched a movie with four other people, but me and my sister had seen and noticed the exact same things and had the same experience. sort of mind blowing the more i think about it.

this modern love

2008-01-07T21:43:00.000-08:00

"Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourselves. Choose your future. Choose life... But why would I want to do a thing like that? I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin' else. And the reasons? There are no reasons."

it is what it is

2008-01-06T05:50:00.001-08:00

i guess everything has to have a beginning.

its six am on a saturday and ive already gone from sober to drunk and back to sober. i have a terrible habit of missing that window where normal drunks pass out and end up awake watching more terrible than normal television. so i figure maybe if i spend that time writing instead of watching shows about shitty people and their shitty relationships, i wont feel so worthless before i go to sleep. and maybe if i dont feel so worthless before i go to sleep, i wont feel as worthless when i wake up from sleeping. just a theory...

the day after christmas was the first time i can remember being in a plane and not hoping it crashed. i dont know if its because my sister was on the flight or what, but it was nice to land and be ok with it. for as long as i can remember ive hoped for death. in no way am i suicidal, but through the years ive constantly hoped that my life would be ended due to someone elses actions. i dont know if its because i dont want my family and friends to go through the experience of losing someone to suicide or if its because im a pussy. either way its kept me here long enough to meet good people, do some cool things, and forget about dying every now and then.

i have to pick up my dad from the airport in three hours, so im going to attempt to get some rest. unless television mysteriously starts to get more interesting at six in the morning, ill be back here trying to cure my worthlessness in the near future.